August 19, 2020, changed our family forever. My (Rebecca) husband had a massive stroke. I shared the details in a previous post, so I won’t go into the story again here, but as my four kids and I moved through the first anniversary, we reflected on what helped us feel supported during the last year. 

The reality is after 50, we’re at an age when sickness, health events, accidents, or death happen to people we care about and love. As I’ve gotten older, seeing people I care about in crisis has happened to too many people, too often. It has felt a bit overwhelming at times. 

Our family was lucky. My husband recovered well. And, we’ve felt tremendous amounts of love during a very challenging year. 

I have to admit before I went through this experience, I often wondered if I was saying or doing the “right” thing for someone going through a trying time. In hindsight, I often let this discomfort prevent me from doing enough to show I cared.  

Experience is our teacher. 

After reflection, I thought these ideas could be helpful if you’re wondering what to do when someone you care about needs similar support. 

Send a text or email without an expectation for a response. As I was sitting in the hospital for three weeks with my husband, I loved getting little notes of support from colleagues, friends, and family, just to say ‘I heard. I am thinking about you. Don’t feel obligated to respond.’ I was often happy to respond, but knowing there was no expectation to helped, a lot. 

Drop off a plant or flowers.  After eight to 10 hours at the hospital, I loved coming home to a house full of flowers and plants. It felt like a big hug after a long stressful day. Even a year later, I see the plants around our house and feel the support from our friends and family. 

Prepare a meal. Knowing my kids were well fed was a huge relief. The love radiated from the meals and food dropped at our home. It was especially helpful to have healthful foods that could be frozen and were easy to reheat. My neighbor organized a meal train for a month. At the time, I didn’t realize we’d need it that long, but we did, and we appreciated every meal. 

Gift a meal. Gift cards may feel impersonal, but I can’t express how thankful we were to receive them at this time. My son’s friend group dropped off a stack from various local restaurants that the kids frequented together. When I was stuck at the hospital longer than expected, these gifts allowed my kids to fend for themselves. My out-of-town relatives found a local meal delivery service, and when I had time to cook again (I love to cook), it was nice to jump online, place an order, and have all the ingredients delivered to our door. 

Ask first before sharing ‘your’ story. I think it’s easy to want to connect with what someone else is going through by sharing your story. It says you understand and have been through something similar. However, I realized quickly that when you’re in a crisis, you can’t appreciate the connection, and it feels like you’re diminishing what the person is going through. Instead, what helped my kids and me was hearing, ‘I went through something similar with X. If it would help to talk about it, I am happy to share my experience when the time is right for you.

Recognize the caregiver(s). It’s essential to think about the person going through the event, but it made a huge impact to have someone ask, “How are you?” I am fortunate to be involved in a caregivers’ support group. I recognize I am one of the lucky spouses. My husband is doing well. However, many caregivers are struggling. The life they knew does not exist. They’re feeling profoundly disconnected. They feel alone and unrecognized. Reach out. 

Stay connected. Health events can change people. As a result, relationships may change.  The ways you interacted with the person previously may need to evolve based on the health of your friend or family member. It’s often easier to avoid or pull away than adjust. Change is hard. Our family appreciates our friends who have stayed and included us in dinners, gatherings, golf outings, and walks through a tough year.

Offer to do a simple task. Everyday tasks that friends offered to do (or just did) like walking the dogs, hiring out yard work, making a Target run, grocery shopping, or covering mandatory school volunteer requirements were very helpful. We didn’t always say yes and take advantage of the offer, but we felt supported by the thought during a stressful time. 

Don’t hesitate, just ask. I know people are often uncomfortable approaching someone going through a crisis. My advice is to reach out. I appreciated anyone and everyone talking to us and asking how we were doing. It felt more awkward when people turned away because they didn’t know what to say, didn’t feel comfortable approaching us, or thought we didn’t want to discuss the challenges we were facing. 

What feels supportive differs for all of us, but the point here is to do something. Whatever it is will be appreciated. 

You can make a difference to someone you care about. It’s not what you do, it’s that you step forward and reach out. 

Surround people with support during challenging times.

Together we Rumble in good times and bad!