Being Feminine and Formidable in Today's World: A Conversation with Sasha Shillcutt, MD
Is it possible to be both feminine and formidable in today’s world? Author Dr. Sasha Shillcutt tells us how in a conversation with the Rumblings community of women over 50.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anais Nin
The unrealistic expectations and labels that women are forced to carry can cause so much stress, pressure, and anxiety to succeed we can lose touch with the essence of who we really are and what we really want. However, showing up in this world in a way that is authentic can enliven us rather than leave us feeling drained. Like a shopaholic, women often fill space with busyness by taking on more, working harder, taking better care of others while we completely neglect ourselves, and act in ways that hide the very nature of who we are. We keep piling on more and maybe we won’t realize we’re collapsing under the figurative weight of it all.
Then a moment may come in our lives which acts as a switch. It could be a divorce, kids going off on their own, a retirement, or maybe just the little light inside that lets us know that enough is enough. The point where we know that it’s time to be our authentic selves, no matter the consequences. The point when we realize that we will be criticized, face backlash, or pay the price whether we have tried to make ourselves more invisible or lived a life that is bold, outspoken, driven and assertive. Where we finally have courage to live authentically; being ok with the likelihood of being criticized, disappointing people, and perceived as not ‘likeable’.
Can we be both feminine and formidable in today’s world? Can we find that unique balance between grit and grace? Those were the questions we discussed during a heartfelt conversation at the first Rumblings live, virtual book club with Sasha K. Shillcutt, MD, MS, author of “Between Grit and Grace: The Art of Being Feminine and Formidable”.
A group of women courageous enough to be vulnerable with one another came together to share difficult experiences with gender bias, backlash, and the challenge of finding our way to a place where we are able to live authentically. Together we reaffirmed that resetting our mindset, living authentically, connecting with others, and lifting each other up are critical components to flourishing after 50.
Dr. Shillcutt describes how she came to write this book and start her company Brave Enough:
I was on a set and clear path like most of us in medicine, which led me to burnout in 2013. I was a very busy mom with a [high-level] position and I realized that what I really had achieved [for] myself was becoming someone that I didn't recognize. As a 16 year old, I was going to be this doctor and it was going to be wonderful. And then I realized wow this is not what I thought it was going to be. I was burned out and trying to think of how I was going to make 25 more years in health care. It scared me that I was so low. I thought of leaving medicine after all the years and time dedicated to learning the practice. I recognized a couple things that I needed to change in my life over the course of a year. When I got to the end of that year, I started spending time with myself and becoming more like my authentic self, as uncomfortable as that was for several people that I worked with and even people that I lived with.
I recognized at the end of that year that I was incredibly lonely. At the time of my life where I felt I needed the most support from other women, I really had none. So I started a group which grew to what it is now - Brave Enough, my company. And throughout those five years, I recognized that what I experienced in the middle of my life and career was probably very similar to what many women experience.
We get put in these two silos of either being a really strong woman who is extroverted, ambitious, and authoritative, or collaborators who are more behind the scenes and maybe a little introverted. We get labeled too. Either we’re described as the woman people want to invite for coffee, but nobody thinks they can lead, even though they're very capable and make great leaders. Or we’re labeled as women who are competent but isolated, and often described with unfriendly words. Sometimes as a woman you find yourself being both of those things at different times.
A favorite part of the discussion was on maneuvering the balancing act between grit and grace while on the receiving end of unfavorable comments —I’m glad I’m not your husband or your kids or you’re too soft or too meek— and being able to embrace our feminine side while being the only female on an executive team. Dr. Shillcutt shared the following:
I've been told so many times the same things.. It's such a bizarre comment that men say. I never know how to respond to that. I'm a very feminine woman. I like very feminine things. I like high heels. I like getting my nails done. I used to hide that. My partners would say things like —I’m going golfing and they would be cheered on. I could say I'm going to get a manicure and somehow I'm not taken seriously in my job. I'm not a serious doctor. I'm not a serious leader. Sadly, it's a double standard.
It hasn't gotten easier for me. I'm just being honest. I was going to reach this pivotal professorship and everybody was going to accept me as myself. I think it's actually the opposite. The more you excel as a leader, the more expectations people have of you to not get your nails done, wear pink, not wear red shoes, and not care about your grandkids or your kids, or whatever.
It's crazy that people expect men, as they age, to get more compassionate and more into their families. But people expect women to care less about those things. I came to the conclusion that I can be my authentic self and not be liked or I can not be my authentic self and not be liked. So, why wouldn't I just be who I am?
You will regret not being who you are. What you should focus on is being you. Live true to your values and sleep better at night.
Dr. Shillcutt recommends prioritizing spending time with yourself as being key to tapping into your authenticity:
Everybody says the same thing when they first spend time with themselves - I don't even know what my priorities are. I don't even know where I would start. I don't have a hobby. I don't even know what I like. I haven't done anything for myself in so many years. They start to get uncomfortable feelings. They feel an overwhelming anxiety being alone.
As women, we're always somewhere on the path of burnout. We're either stressed and approaching burnout; or we are burned out and getting better; or we're kind of walking along the stress path but moving towards thriving. We just go. We don't want to spend time with ourselves because we don't even want to think about the mess that we are. So we just watch Netflix. Maybe we're scrolling through social media for 30 minutes because we don't want to think about what our priorities are or ask how we're doing internally.
When I ask women a simple question- when was the last time you had the perfect day? - they often tear up because they start thinking back to when they took a day for themselves. It’s revealing.
You have to get over that hump of spending time with yourself even when it's uncomfortable and not fun because you realize it's like taking your pulse. You likely haven't taken your pulse in a long, long time and you’re afraid to realize [you’re drowning] and you need to turn some things around. You have to do it. I really encourage people to do it.
She described how to find ways to balance being authentic while helping friends who are feeling beaten down without succumbing to their negativity:
Especially in 2020 women are being asked to do more than ever, to feel more than ever, and to take on the burden of others. Whenever your own mental health is suffering from interacting with another individual, it's not a healthy relationship no matter how long you've been in it, or how much you love the person. You have to put up some boundaries, otherwise you will get sucked into not wanting to be around the person.
This is very real in 2020. For example, if you go on social media for 10 minutes, you leave, and then you feel either ashamed, angry, criticized or bad. Then you grieve. I think you have to be really careful right now with your relationships, even those on social media. There's a very fine line between protecting yourself and helping others. If you get to the point where helping others is causing you a lot of anxiety and stress, you're not not protecting yourself. It’s OK to set boundaries and distance yourself from people.
The books and podcasts that Dr. Shillcutt finds inspiring:
I love to read. I read Scripture. I find it to be really inspirational in the morning. I also like The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday. It’s important to laugh and sometimes I just read books to laugh. We have to continue to find joy and laughter.
I love podcasts as well. How I Built This with Guy Raz is an entrepreneur podcast. I listen to that almost every week. I also listen to Unlocking Us with Brene Brown, The Alli Worthington Show with Alli Worthington, and Lead to Win with Michael Hyatt.
I am also very careful on who I follow on social media. I don't follow people who are really negative, even if they’re close friends of mine.
What will it take for women to rise to a level where we no longer have to deal with the backlash? Dr. Shillcutt explains:
I think two things have to happen. First, women need to be wherever decisions are made. If decisions are being made in any workforce or in any community and women are not at the table, nothing will change. The second thing that has to happen is we have to accept one another for who we are. If a woman is getting passionate about something, she's probably an expert in it. She's getting passionate because she knows about it. I will make it my goal to amplify another woman, even if I don't necessarily like her. I want to empower the voices of women in the room.
Women have to be where decisions are being made, and quite frankly, if you look at healthcare, we're only in 8% of decision makers. And why do you think we're in the mess that we're in, right? We know from the Gallup studies that when women are at the table, women tend to think of other people not in the room. Men don't do that, bless their hearts. We need women at the table to be thinking of the downstream effects of these decisions. And, I am really passionate about that.
We have to have women in leadership, and that means we as women need to support women leaders. Even if we don't know them, just support them in general because it's hard to be a woman in leadership. It really is.
In summary, we need to collectively recognize that we have the right to take up space wherever we happen to be. Each time we make ourselves smaller or more invisible, we portray a false notion of what women are supposed to be and do. If we can find our internal voice and be our authentic selves as a collective, we can shift cultures and change norms.
There is strength in numbers. Hopefully a freeness emerges when recognizing we are not alone after finally beginning to share our experiences with others. We’ve all experienced the repercussions for being authentic to the point where it either forces us to make ourselves smaller or emboldens us - of which neither may be authentic. Here are a few highlights that hit home for us:
Confidence is contagious
Amplify other women - it’s courageous to show up every day and emotionally dealing with potential bullying and retaliation for being your authentic self
Encourage yourself - be your inner fangirl, and be the fangirl for others
Gift yourself grace - give yourself margin to fail, or to be less than perfect
You are enough - you have worthiness just as you are
Have a growth mindset - our resilience and our ability to bounce back stronger is what leads to success.
You are not alone - others have had the similar experiences
If you haven’t already, follow us on social media - Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, and LinkedIn. Let’s amplify our messages so more women can benefit from this collective community. Be sure to join our email list to be the first to hear about upcoming events.
We can’t wait to spend more time with you and want to hear your ideas on content and the discussions we need to have with one another. Reach out and send us a note!
Rumble On!
Karyn and Rebecca