You know that feeling you can't shake? It's grief.

The human experience includes pain and suffering, but we know that it’s not the full story. There is love, resilience, beauty and grace within that as well. If you don’t tell both pieces of that story, then you’re not telling the full story.

~Elizabeth Gilbert, excerpted from a TED interview.

Almost everyone we speak with these days is feeling something really uncomfortable. And, for those not able to express themselves, those feelings come out in ways that give people close to them pause, knowing that they’re not acting like themselves. 

We all feel it. The sense that this is not normal, it’s gone on too long, and the things that keep us steady, grounded and tethered, just aren’t there any more. The heaviness, the agitation, anger, sadness, annoyance - any emotion you can think of - people are feeling. It’s time to be vulnerable and name this collective ‘thing’ we’re all feeling. It’s grief. We’re all at different places in processing it, but we’re all grieving on some level. 

Every single one of us has lost something. Let that sink in for a moment. No one has been spared, and as time has crawled on, it is dawning on us that the world we used to live in is gone forever. The world has forever changed, and because we live in it, we can’t help but be changed by it too. On top of the grief, it’s common for some of us to feel betrayal. Betrayal by our government for not protecting us or over protecting us, our fellow citizens for not caring more or doing something differently, our senior care facilities for not protecting our most vulnerable. Betrayal for having any level of certainty of our futures taken from us. The feelings are real and it doesn’t help that people judge others’ grief, compare their losses to others, or try to deny that we are feeling them. 

Grief expert, David Kessler defines grief as the death of something in his new book, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. We’ve all lost something - loved ones, a job, a marriage, a friendship - at some point in our lives.  We can’t fall into a trap of ranking our suffering. The worst loss is always your loss, and during this time the loss is more persistent and widespread.  It could be time with friends, the closing of the gym, virtual schools and work, or a favorite restaurant. For others it’s a hug, family celebrations, knowing our elderly parents are struggling and not being able to help. And, yes, it could be the illness or death of a loved one. 

We have to feel the grief.  It’s sad and painful on so many levels - yet, ranking our grief against others’ grief diminishes our feelings. At the very least we have lost our collective health and vitality, and that is no small thing. This experience and our grief will be done with us eventually, but resisting it, denying it, and pretending it isn’t there can make the suffering greater. 

We must acknowledge that how we experience grief is personal. Experts talk about grief being a full body experience, meaning that there are more than just feelings, there are physical symptoms too, and not talking about what we’re experiencing gives it agency over us. There is a perspective that we can lend to one another when we share a collective suffering. We can bear witness to each other’s grief, even when it’s messy. We can be our sister’s keeper. We can begin that process by recognizing it, talking about it, and being willing to name it. Naming it and talking about what we’re feeling is one way to keep grief moving and not postpone what is happening until it begins to affect us from the inside out. 

If we won’t let ourselves feel it, we can’t heal it. The work right now is to go inward to acknowledge those emotions, and then with deep gentleness and grace for ourselves, accept them. The work of tending our grief is very heavy. Accepting what we’re feeling and experiencing as a part of us can help ease that heaviness. Acceptance does not happen all at once, but we can work towards it by expressing it and sharing it with our sisters who are also going through these unprecedented times. As we begin to move through this idea of acceptance, we can create enough space to find a seed that will lead us to new ways to do the things that sustain us and give us vitality. 

We can rationalize that nothing is exactly like what we’re going through now. That grief is inevitable, and most of us have survived grief before. We have experienced grief enough to know that being a companion to grief and the feelings it brings takes courage and a willingness to be vulnerable in sitting with feelings that don’t feel great. There is nothing pleasant about numbness, anger, agitation, sadness or the physical symptoms like appetite changes, insomnia, fatigue, nightmares, anxiety, or depression. But, if we aren’t willing to sit with those feelings, we will risk blocking the harmony of our body, mind, and spirit - the place from where we can learn, gain wisdom, and evolve into the fullest and most brave version of ourselves. 

What we do after acceptance is within us. Kessler talks about gratitude not being in the loss, it is in life. We’re normally all so busy chasing extraordinary moments. Maybe, we’ll find ourselves valuing the ordinary moments going forward. Those ordinary moments will be the ones that hold true meaning. We’ll have the wisdom of experience to know we need not wait to create those meaningful moments. We should be creating them right now, and maybe they will give us enough light that we will acknowledge that even while we’re still grieving, we can experience joy, and it’s ‘normal’ to feel that too. 

We also have great capacity to hold emotions like grief and sorrow and hope and joy, all at the same time. The future is uncertain, and we will be forever changed in ways that are still unknown. But, here’s what we do know. We will be here for each other, we will bear witness to each other’s journeys, and we will share and let go of our burdens together because we belong to one another. That is what connectedness and community bring to us. Even though we’re not as close together as we’d like physically, no one can take that belonging away from us. 

If you or a loved one are struggling with feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or helpless during these times where it is impacting you more significantly than what we share here, please know that you are not alone. We encourage you to access many resources and support groups available online. The Anxiety and Depression Association of America and Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration are just two of the many wonderful resources for anyone significantly struggling to cope during these difficult times. 

Together Women Over 50 Create Transformative Change

“Together we need to disrupt the status quo for  women over 50 and replace it with something that is new, bolder, and bodacious for the prime time of our lives. We do this while remembering with gratitude all the phenomenal women that came before us as we carry forward a strong desire to create a new path for the women who will follow. Together we will create a rumbling which will become a movement for a transformative change through action. “ – Karyn Entzion, Rumblings Co-founder

Entering into my 50s the story that I told myself was that I had ‘arrived’. With an empty nest, a new job, and a move across the country to a new city, I glamorized that  this would be the time to focus on myself, thrive, and grow in new ways. I believed my accomplishments at work, raising a son, being active in my community, as well as the strides that women had made in equality would position me better than ever. The thing was, I was so busy living my life, working, taking care of family and holding it all together that I didn’t really understand how society viewed me, as a woman, transitioning to a new stage of my life. 

What I discovered was that the world found many subtle ways to tell me ‘no’ and put me on notice to expect a professional and personal decline after 50 because I was becoming less relevant. Society finds hundreds of subtle ways to tell women of a certain age that we’re not relevant, not attractive, and less deserving, regardless of our prior accomplishments. At a time when men are viewed as being at the peak of their careers and earning potential and described as ‘distinguished’, it’s suggested that women retreat and fade into the background. 

Consequently, I found myself in a situation where I was bullied and gaslighted at work by my male boss, lived far away from home without family, friends, and lacked a strong social support to boost my confidence and morale. And, still I persevered, determined to push through believing if I tried harder all would be well. After leaving that company and going into yet another role with tremendous gender bias, where women weren’t promoted beyond a certain level. I was often told to be ‘softer’ while my male peers were praised for exhibiting the same behaviors, I had enough, was burned out and exhausted and left. 

I was deflated, beaten down, and emotionally spent. Once a confident, self-assured, comfortable in my own skin woman, I felt diminished. For decades I had put aside my fear of not belonging to hold steadfast to maintain my self worth and sense of integrity. This often elicited a response of criticism, unfair judgments from others that often included backlash of varying degrees. I was broken and battle weary.  I was in a pit and unable to see a way to climb out of it. It was my friends who bolstered me up, and convinced me it was time to quit. They gave a new view that was unfiltered. It gave me the assurance that it would be possible to find a career where I could be my authentic self and find true belonging. I felt wonderful and more myself than I had in many years once I started on my new, healthier path. Yet, many people saw it as fanciful or flighty, and a failure and discouraged me. It’s difficult to move forward when people you care about try to talk you out of doing what you know you must in order to be your whole self. 

We should all turn to friends who prop us up and help us regain our strength in these situations, and I was no different. I spent a lot of time reflecting and talking with other women about the idea of ‘failure’, and how society views women, very differently than how we see ourselves. This is even more true for those of us over 50. Almost every woman I spoke with had a version of a story of coming up against a real or subtle wall of resistance from either society or others trying to tell us to accept that we’re in a decline of some sort. All these women seemed to have paid a great price whether they made themselves smaller in life, or carried battle scars from the hurt that comes with judgment for being authentic. 

Conversely, many women I spoke with voiced feelings that they were just beginning to come into their own understanding of the meaning of their lives. Their sense of purpose was greater than their fear of failing. As a result, it became impossible to accept the false story others had been telling us. Our narrative is one of beginning rather than the one of ‘decline’ others are trying to get us to accept. 

Collectively, many women express an unwillingness to let go of their dreams because other people and society at large were telling them they should. Is it possible that the opposers fear the power of the collective purpose and the strength of our experienced voices? 

We have transitioned to the best part of our lives, not the decline. In fact, we’re coming into the prime time of our lives. This is not the time to let false voices of authority talk us out of the boldness of our ability to unfold the vision of the rest of our lives.

I began to recognize that while I had established friendships with other women in the background of my life, I needed a deeper social connection more than ever before. From these experiences, I’ve come to realized several key things about meaningful connections with other women:

• We’re not alone in what we’re feeling or experiencing. 

• We can magnify our collective voices - we’re stronger together. 

• Supporting each other and learning from one another helps us achieve our dreams.

• Sharing in a collective experience for the remarkable accomplishments yet to be attained fosters purpose, belonging, joy, and gratitude. It feels good! 

And, perhaps most importantly, the understanding is real that we need to establish these deep connections now. At this time and in this place in our lives. We’re starting to see the impact that solitude and loneliness has on our parents in their later years due to the absence of deep friendships. 

This is why we’ve started Rumblings. Together we need to disrupt the status quo for  women over 50 and replace it with something that is new, bolder, and bodacious for the prime time of our lives. 

We do this while remembering with gratitude all the phenomenal women that came before us as we carry forward a strong desire to create a new path for the women who will follow. 

Together we will create a rumbling which will become a movement for a transformative change through action. 

We’re excited about this journey, and we hope you’ll come with us so we can Rumble together!

Karyn

Coming Around the Table During COVID

It’s an unprecedented time. It’s normal to lose sight of our current blessings amidst the upheaval of our lives.  

Like many of you, additional young adults have descended on our home since March—one for a few weeks during an apartment transition and another for months as he finished his sophomore year in college.  Those two, plus the two still at home, add in the two Morkies, and we’ve had a full house.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved the chaos, conversation, and unexpected reality from the entire family unit being under one roof once again. As the grocery bill skyrocketed and screams of — “There’s nothing to eat” — resonated throughout the house, it felt like a little bit of normalcy during a trying time. 

After weeks into quarantined life, we were sitting around the table sharing a family meal when I realized that no one was jumping up from the table the minute their plate was empty. Conversations were growing more robust and lasting for longer and longer each night, until one evening my college student proclaimed, “Family dinners are great!” 

As restrictions have loosened over time, more and more often I join friends in backyards or on outdoor restaurant patios for dinner dates. Amongst the mask mandate and new safety precautions, it is a few hours to listen, share, connect, and catch-up. Those few hours bring happiness and joy to my week.

It’s easy to lose sight of the value of coming around the table to share a meal with family or friends when we’re busy and running from one activity to the next. If there is a shining moment in the middle of a pandemic, it may be the beauty of friends, families, neighbors, and colleagues slowing down to truly experience the power of conversation, awareness of what and how much we’re eating, true connection over food, or joy of uninterrupted time. 

Research has shown the health and wellbeing benefits of meals with family and friends:

• Lower rates of depression 

• Lower rates of substance abuse, teen pregnancy, as well as higher grade-point averages and self-esteem

• Lower rates of obesity and eating disorders

• Better family functioning, including connectedness, cohesion, and communication

And if that’s not enough, studies have shown that people make healthier food choices (e.g. more fruits and vegetables) the more often they sit down for meals. 

So I am stopping to appreciate the opportunity for my family to come together around the table for a meal every evening without distractions. I am slowing down and appreciating the long conversations with friends over food and drink. I am taking time to ask more questions, debate current events, and listen deeply to the opinions of others even when they differ from my own. And, when we’re back to “normal” and our evenings are full of scheduled events once again, I am making it a goal to prioritize meals, around a table, full of conversation and connection. It’s good for my spirit and soul. 

Rumble on…

Rebecca

Finding a Mindset Reset in the Midst of a Pandemic

“I’ve reset my mind.  Instead of thinking that the creation of lifelong  memories requires lots of travel and big events, I’ve come to the awareness that our real lives are lived in between the cracks of those big events. “ - Karyn Entzion, Co-Founder Rumblings

I am by nature a perpetually optimistic person. But, let’s be real for a moment. Unless there is a miracle, the year 2020 is going down in history as nothing short of a dumpster fire. The realization that the remainder of the year is not likely to improve is very painful and heartbreaking. 

Still, I find myself reflecting on slowing down and being present for my  life in ways that I hadn’t always taken time for before. I sense that we’re going to need this early mindset reset to maintain our faith that there will be happy times again, despite what may be dark days ahead. 

I’m a single empty-nester of an independent only child who is focused on starting his own career and life after school. I’m very grateful for that. These past months have been isolating at times with no immediate family nearby, and parents old enough that I’ve been concerned about their health and safety. 

With a lot of time on my hands, like many people, I adopted a dog. His name is Zeus and he is a four year-old mixed breed. We’ve discovered a lot about each other over the course of walking 8-10 miles per day these past 8 weeks. He’s a champion squirrel spotter from as far as a football field away. He loves to gently jump up and put his paws on my shoulder to give me hugs and kisses. The only ones I’m really getting these days. Telling people you love them virtually isn’t as healing for my soul as showing them in person with a warm embrace!

I would like to send apologies to all the fox-colored little dogs and the mottled colored Australian breeds, because I’ve learned that you are just not Zeus’s type. In fact, he really hates you. At some point in time, it is likely that your kind did him wrong in some manner, and he is still holding a grudge. No, Zeus does not want to say ‘hello’, or merely pass you by on the street, or even see you across the park. Let it be known there is an open challenge to an Aaron Burr style duel with any of you. It’ll be best for everyone if you just steer clear. These dog encounters have been reminiscent of the judgmental looks I used to get when, as a toddler, my son would have a temper tantrum in Target. Except now the look is usually delivered after they’ve scooped up that cute reddish little dog and are running away. And, it’s still so embarrassing. 

In addition to my little project training Zeus, I have experienced many nuggets of appreciation and joy. I’ve explored parts of Minneapolis that I’ve never seen before. It has been peaceful to walk along the banks of the Mississippi in the early morning as the sun rises and few people are out. The quiet stillness of Nicollet Island with the older, stately homes and cobblestone streets are reminiscent of a long gone era when life was simpler.  I have witnessed the gorgeous gardens and peacefulness of the normally bustling and active campus of the U of MN. Zeus and I even had an encounter with a flock of wild turkeys.

I’ve connected more frequently with friends and family, calling more often just to say I care. I’ve taken weekly trips to the Farmer’s Market — the flowers are a highlight. And, I can’t be the only person who has looked forward to going to the grocery store and chatting up the cashier. 

For four months running, I have done a virtual Zoom Happy Hour with four retired friends each Thursday. I started it as a lark, knowing, that like me, three of the four also live alone. They’ve each said it’s a godsend, but honestly, they’re the ones that have saved me. Their activism and the letter writing campaigns, and the information they impart has been wonderful. The ability to experience true belonging, as my full authentic self, has been a gift and healing for my heart. 

I’ve seen some of the most amazingly creative murals on the plywood protecting windows of businesses and have spoken with the artists about how their art is healing hearts. I’ve walked by sidewalk chalk art that has lifted my spirits, encountered painted rocks with uplifting words that made me smile at my luck at finding them in a random spot on a path. 

I love being alone, and I enjoy my own company. Like many of us, I’ve experienced bouts of loneliness and periods of longing to be with my squad, hug my family, and see more of the people I care about. Having both a schedule to keep — even if it’s an artificial one —along with a social calendar has been helpful. 

I’ve reset my mind.  Instead of thinking that the creation of lifelong  memories requires lots of travel and big events, I’ve come to the awareness that our real lives are lived in between the cracks of those big events. Those individual moments that weave our lives together with a common connection in both joy and pain are the ones that create the fabric of who we truly are in our most quiet moments with ourselves. 

But mostly, for the first time in a long while, I have been able to overcome my fears of vulnerability and give myself grace to just stand still. I’ve been able to give myself permission to create more space in my head and my heart – space to explore, to grow, to bend, and to get a little real with myself about what I want from this next part of my life.

I’ve opened up space to understand what it means to belong first to myself. It’s about giving myself permission to put down the baggage put on me by others and admit that I am proud of what I’ve struggled through and that I am comfortable with myself and who I’ve become. Permission that it’s ok to revel in the freedom that comes with truly believing in myself, while recognizing that doing so also requires that I commit to fully living my life. Really being present for every moment, the good, the drama, and the blessings.  

All of that is what brought me to the place of knowing that now is the time to be brave and venture out there to co-create this Rumblings community. To create something where the sacredness of the connection is belonging without feeling the need to sacrifice our authenticity in order to please others or to fit in. I hope you’ll join us – because I have a feeling this next part of our lives could be one hell of a wild ride!

Rumble on! 

Karyn